MEET YOUR ADHD PARTS: THE ACHIEVER, THE PERFECTIONIST, AND THE PEOPLE-PLEASER
That voice pushing you to do more? She's a part trying to protect you. Learn about the common ADHD parts and how IFS can help you heal.
That voice in your head telling you you're not doing enough? She's not you.
The part that won't let you rest until everything's perfect? That's not you either.
The pattern of saying yes when you want to say no, abandoning yourself to make others happy? Also not you.
These are parts. And understanding them changes everything.
What Are "Parts"?
Internal Family Systems (IFS) teaches that we all have multiple parts—sub-personalities or aspects of ourselves that developed to help us survive and cope with life.
Think of them like an internal family:
Some parts are young and vulnerable (your inner child)
Some are protective and fierce (your defenders)
Some are critical and demanding (your inner perfectionist)
And beneath all of them is your True Self—the calm, wise, compassionate core of who you are
For ADHD women, certain parts tend to show up louder and more frequently.
Why? Because growing up with ADHD (especially undiagnosed ADHD) often means experiencing:
Chronic criticism and shame
Feeling "too much" or "not enough"
Struggling in systems designed for neurotypical brains
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
Trying desperately to prove you're capable and worthy
So your protective parts developed strategies to keep you safe from those painful experiences.
The problem? These parts are often exhausted, overworked, and running your life from old survival patterns that no longer serve you.
Meet The Three Most Common ADHD Parts
Part #1: The Achiever
What she sounds like:
"You need to be productive every single moment"
"Rest is for people who've earned it"
"If you're not accomplishing something, you're wasting time"
"Your worth is determined by what you produce"
What she looks like in action:
Overscheduling yourself constantly
Feeling guilty when you rest
Measuring your value by your to-do list
Burning out, then pushing through anyway
Unable to enjoy leisure without feeling like you "should" be working
Why she developed:
The Achiever formed because, as an ADHD girl, you learned that your worth was conditional.
Maybe you were called lazy when you struggled with executive function. Maybe you were labeled "underachieving" despite working twice as hard as everyone else. Maybe you internalized the message that you needed to compensate for your ADHD by being exceptional in other ways.
So The Achiever stepped in: "If I just achieve enough, produce enough, do enough, then I'll finally be worthy. Then I'll be safe from criticism and rejection."
The cost:
The Achiever keeps you in chronic stress and burnout. She won't let you rest. She measures your worth by external achievement. And no matter how much you accomplish, it's never enough, because the strategy is based on a false belief that you need to earn your worthiness.
What she needs:
The Achiever needs to know that your worth isn't conditional. That you don't have to prove yourself. That you're inherently valuable, ADHD and all.
When she trusts this, she can finally rest.
Part #2: The Perfectionist
What she sounds like:
"If you can't do it perfectly, don't do it at all"
"One mistake means total failure"
"People will judge you if this isn't flawless"
"You can't let anyone see you struggle"
What she looks like in action:
Procrastinating because you're afraid of doing it wrong
Spending hours on tasks that "should" take 20 minutes
Analysis paralysis, unable to make decisions
All-or-nothing thinking
Avoiding new things because you might not be immediately good at them
Masking your ADHD symptoms so no one sees you're struggling
Why she developed:
The Perfectionist emerged because making mistakes as an ADHD girl often resulted in shame, criticism, or rejection.
Maybe a teacher sighed in frustration when you forgot your homework. Maybe a parent seemed disappointed when you couldn't focus. Maybe peers excluded you when you said the "wrong" thing.
Your brain learned: Mistakes = rejection. Therefore, I must be perfect to be accepted.
So The Perfectionist took over: "If I control everything and never mess up, I'll be safe from criticism and shame."
The cost:
The Perfectionist keeps you stuck. She creates impossible standards that paralyze you. She makes you too afraid to try, too scared to be seen, too anxious to risk imperfection.
She's the reason you have 17 unfinished projects. The reason you procrastinate. The reason you feel like a fraud even when you succeed.
What she needs:
The Perfectionist needs to know that mistakes don't equal worthlessness. That imperfection is human. That people can accept you as you are—ADHD, flaws, and all.
When she trusts this, she can let go of control.
Part #3: The People-Pleaser
What she sounds like:
"You need to make everyone happy"
"Your needs don't matter as much as theirs"
"If you say no, they'll leave you"
"Just go along with it to keep the peace"
What she looks like in action:
Saying yes when you mean no
Overextending yourself to help others
Difficulty setting boundaries
Feeling responsible for other people's emotions
Abandoning your own needs to avoid conflict
Masking your authentic self to be more likable
Staying in relationships or situations that drain you
Why she developed:
The People-Pleaser formed because, for many ADHD women, being "difficult" or "too much" led to rejection.
Maybe you learned that your ADHD traits (interrupting, getting distracted, being forgetful) annoyed people. Maybe you experienced Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria and the pain of perceived rejection was unbearable. Maybe you figured out that making others happy kept them from leaving.
So The People-Pleaser decided: "If I prioritize everyone else's needs and never cause problems, people will stay. I'll be safe from abandonment."
The cost:
The People-Pleaser keeps you disconnected from yourself. She has you living for everyone else's approval while your own needs go unmet. She creates resentment, exhaustion, and a life that doesn't feel like yours.
She's why you don't know what you actually want. Why your calendar is full of obligations that drain you. Why you feel guilty for having needs.
What she needs:
The People-Pleaser needs to know that the right people won't leave you for having boundaries. That your needs matter. That you can be authentic—ADHD, sensitivity, imperfection, and all and still be loved.
When she trusts this, she can finally put you first.
Why These Parts Are So Strong in ADHD Women
These three parts: The Achiever, The Perfectionist, and The People-Pleaser, are especially dominant in ADHD women because:
1. ADHD creates more opportunities for shame and criticism
When you struggle with focus, organization, time management, and emotional regulation, you receive more negative feedback than neurotypical people. Your parts develop stronger protective strategies to cope with this.
2. ADHD amplifies Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
ADHD brains are wired to feel rejection and criticism more intensely. So your parts work overtime to prevent any possibility of rejection—by achieving, perfecting, and pleasing.
3. Society tells ADHD women to compensate and mask
Women are socialized to be agreeable, organized, and "put together." When you have ADHD, your parts try desperately to meet these expectations—even at the cost of your well-being.
4. Undiagnosed or late-diagnosed ADHD = years of internalized shame
If you went years without knowing you had ADHD, you likely believed the narrative that you were lazy, careless, or not trying hard enough. Your parts developed to protect you from that shame.
What Happens When You Meet Your Parts
Here's what IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy teaches:
Your parts aren't the enemy. They're trying to protect you.
The Achiever isn't trying to burn you out. She's trying to keep you safe from criticism.
The Perfectionist isn't trying to paralyze you. She's trying to prevent the pain of rejection.
The People-Pleaser isn't trying to erase you. She's trying to ensure you're not abandoned.
They developed when you needed them. But now, they're exhausted and you don't need these strategies anymore.
When you meet your parts with curiosity and compassion instead of fighting them, something beautiful happens:
You understand WHY you do what you do
You develop compassion for yourself instead of shame
Your parts can finally relax and step back
Your True Self: the calm, wise, grounded you, can lead
How to Start Working With Your Parts
1. Notice when a part is active
Instead of saying "I'm anxious" or "I'm a perfectionist," try:
"A part of me is feeling anxious right now"
"My perfectionist part is activated"
This creates distance and helps you see that the part isn't ALL of you.
2. Get curious instead of critical
When a part shows up, ask:
What are you trying to protect me from?
What are you afraid will happen if you don't do this?
How old do you feel? (Parts are often young)
3. Thank your parts
I know it sounds strange, but try:
"Thank you for trying to keep me safe"
"I see how hard you've been working"
"You've been protecting me for so long"
This shifts the relationship from antagonistic to collaborative.
4. Reassure your parts
Let them know:
"I'm an adult now. I can handle this."
"I'm safe. We don't need this strategy anymore."
"I've got this. You can rest."
5. Work with a trained IFS therapist or coach
Parts work is deep healing work. Having a guide (like me!) makes all the difference.
What Life Looks Like When Your Parts Relax
When The Achiever steps back:
You rest without guilt
Your worth isn't tied to productivity
You can just BE without always DOING
When The Perfectionist lets go:
You start things even when you might not do them perfectly
You take risks and try new things
You show up authentically, flaws and all
When The People-Pleaser releases:
You set boundaries without guilt
You prioritize your own needs
You surround yourself with people who love the real you
This is what it means to be Self-led. To live from your True Self instead of your protective parts.
And this is the work we do in The PowerFULL Pat: meeting your parts, healing the wounds they're protecting, and helping them trust that you're finally safe.
You're Not Broken. You're Protected.
If you see yourself in The Achiever, The Perfectionist, or The People-Pleaser (or all three), I want you to know:
You're not too much. You're not broken. You're not failing.
You have parts that have been working SO HARD to keep you safe. And they're exhausted.
The healing isn't in getting rid of these parts. It's in helping them relax so YOU can finally lead.
Ready to meet your parts and do this deep healing work?
Book a free discovery call and let's talk about how IFS and nervous system work can help you go from being run by your parts to being led by your True Self.
